We may have learned to be needless and wantless (self-sufficient), or that your needs don t matter, or we may have learned to be somewhat needy (a passive requiring of others to do for me what perhaps I could sometimes take care of myself learned helplessness). These ways of being limit the capacity for intimate and safe connection within relationship. For example, someone with a traumatic background may develop extreme anxiety as an adult. When this anxiety is triggered, the affected person may resort to sexual behavior to decrease the discomfort they are experiencing. When anxiety and trauma are severe enough, the sexual behavior can become all-consuming. For an hour, we did gestalt work talking to that poor, ugly stuffed dragon. We spoke to him about how we had dishonored him, understanding how he, as our addict, had only tried to help us become aware of our needs and encourage us to reach out for nurturing, validation, and support. We acknowledged that in our active addiction that we hadn't ever responded to his call in ways that respected him. Let the healing begin Healing for the betrayed partner begins with a formal disclosure process, ideally guided by certified sex addiction therapists. Betrayed partners often have difficulty making sense of their reality on their own. There are so many unanswered questions, and each question has 10 questions behind it. On a practical level, it looks like replacing sinful habits (like watching porn) with new things, like learning more about God, investing time with people, showing kindness, and using your resources to help and encourage others. However, since this is produced by the Spirit, it s not just a matter of forcing yourself to be more spiritual. Requiring them to return fixed and ready to surrender themselves to another healing process alongside their unfaithful partner is actually harmful and unfair. Essentially, if your couples therapist says, Go get more help on your own, they are effectively deeming you a lost cause. After all, they are a relationship expert, literally sending you away from your relationship for not being good enough at forgiving and forgetting.