As the first step in the mentoring process, both struggler and survivor are challenged with the same question: Do you want to get well? This is a personal question. To the one struggling, it relates to their addiction and behaviors. The survivor tends to focus on wanting their spouse s addiction and behavior cured but realizes that is out of their control. You will have a whole new outlook on life, and your attitude will change. You will feel more self-confidence. You will know how to act in situations that, before, would throw you. Recovery Doesn t Mean No Sex Sexual abstinence is not the goal for you in recovery unless you choose to remain celibate, but that s purely your decision. Carnes aptly refers to this as the hijacked brain. Once the brain is hijacked, the downward spiral of craving more and more dopamine affects higher-level thinking and reasoning. Let the healing begin Healing for the betrayed partner begins with a formal disclosure process, ideally guided by certified sex addiction therapists. The rush from pornography addiction or other types of sexual compulsivity is the way some users counteract feelings of inadequacy or emotional torment they may have experienced as a child or young teen. This research, and other studies, suggests that while many men reach a sexual peak in their 20s, those who began an addiction to pornography early in their teen years may actually experience the opposite; a loss of drive, interest and physical performance ability, along with emotional side effects like feelings of shame associated with sex. At first it can seem counterintuitive to bring up the damage your addiction has caused her. She wants to know that you remember her pain is a result of your actions. It assures her that you have not forgotten, nor are you in denial. It makes sense to me that looking at our Memorial Day picnic pictures causes you great pain Validation of Her Feelings Using the Five Primary Feelings It can be difficult to ascertain how she is feeling, so it is helpful to focus on her primary feeling (and see if you got it right). In those early days of this heartache coming to light, there were multiple relapses, dishonesty, denial, and an eventual separation. Tangible Solutions In addition to the help of professionals, we needed a tangible solution to a problem with a very specific technological outlet. He needed a smartphone for work, but everything on the smartphone was a trigger or temptation for him.