If our partner s attempt to meet our need is not able to satisfy that need, we get active in our hoop to get that need met in a way that honors our need and is congruent with our vision for who we want to be. So, if our need was for safety, support, confidence in our work and movement/change, what are ways we can offer that to ourselves? Blow number one is the gut punch of betrayal; a breathtaking breach in trust that changes your relationship in permanent ways. Blow number two is the shocking realization that your partner has been extravagantly and expertly lying and manipulating reality in order to cover up their behaviors. These blows smash into your heart and in an instant plunge you into a whole new world. A pornography addict, for example, might upgrade to impersonal sexual encounters, and then impersonal sexual encounters may lead to illegal sexual acts, such as voyeurism and exhibitionism. The addict s objective is to continually seek gratification when the usual sources have lost their luster, so to speak. I felt completely unprepared for the long battle ahead. He felt like he was spiraling out of control and absolutely could not stop compulsively (and secretly) viewing pornography. He started therapy and support meetings, but the addiction still felt heavy and impossible. He admitted that this problem started as a young teenager with no restrictions to television or the internet. That afternoon, I sat down with the guys and we had a group treatment experience. For an hour, we did gestalt work talking to that poor, ugly stuffed dragon. We spoke to him about how we had dishonored him, understanding how he, as our addict, had only tried to help us become aware of our needs and encourage us to reach out for nurturing, validation, and support. Ideally, the sponsor has worked the 12 steps, is abstinent of sexually addictive behavior, and can teach you what he or she has learned. The struggles, experience, successes and mistakes of your sponsor can help you as you start your path in recovery. Your sponsor can also help you understand how the program works, and guide you through the 12 steps.