You cannot possibly know the intensity of her feelings, but when you are able to look at what she is struggling with through her eyes, you are better able to assess what she needs. To the Partner: I recognize that the AVR formula will sound scripted and rote. I promise you he does not know how to empathize, so he must learn the skills before it becomes natural to him. You are now blamed and directed away from the person you want to get closer to. In the meantime, your partner is absolved of their part in the process. No trust is built in your marriage or your therapist. How do you make any progress as a couple, if you all believe that you re the unforgiving, unloving problem partner too stuck to move on? You acknowledged that you lied to your family about me, portraying me as a horrible spouse so that you would feel justified to continue your affair. Why did you need to go that far? These are the types of questions that every betrayed partner asks. Betrayed partners believe that they cannot heal unless they know why their beloved cheated on them. The traumatized partner s mind is on a perpetual search to find more certainty, which can lead to more suffering, and yet it is the survival skill attempting to keep the partner safe. A partner s attempts to find safety can exacerbate her fears because her primary need is to feel safe and survive. This can create more suffering because she is in that hypervigilant state to know the truth. If we speculate this man was around 55 years old, it would mean that he had this condition since he was 17. If you had asked him how long he d been an invalid I m sure his answer would have been all of my life! Some issues come into our lives, that while discomforting or disruptive, tend to be short-term. Distract yourself with physically or mentally challenging tasks. Do deep breathing exercises, anything to get your mind off the craving for a period of 20 minutes or so. After that, the craving should be gone. Recognize that each day in recovery is a gift. You are one day closer to your goals as you ve listed them in your recovery plan.