Rebuilding intimacy can also be facilitated through daily check-ins using the FANOS model, which covers feelings, affirmation, needs, owning actions, sobriety, and spiritual growth. The timing to resume sexual intimacy varies, but it s generally recommended to have at least 45 days of abstinence, with a true reboot possibly taking 90 days or longer. For still others the definition of what constitutes sexual sobriety may be defined by whether or not a person is engaging in certain behaviors or activities. So sobriety may look different for different people. A core concept from 12-step recovery programs is that there is a profound difference between true sobriety and mere abstinence. As in all steps of healing, it is important that there is safety for everyone. Doing the right thing does not mean that it doesn t hurt, but with adequate support and love, hurt can lead to great transformation. It has been our research experience that virtually all of the couples we have worked with who go through disclosure will not only survive but thrive as a result. Is willing to be forthright about STI history and willing to speak openly about a potential partner s STI history before sex Desires a relationship not out of need or desperation, but as a reasoned decision to add value to his or her life As the SLAA 12 Promises state: Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Process is for Healing, Not Fixing If you are the hurt partner: Please understand that therapy is not about the business of fixing you. This is not the goal of therapy. There is nothing wrong with you. Your broken heart is not an indication that you are broken. You re hurt, there s a difference. In fact, attachment researchers talk about the paradox of attachment saying, The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become, (Attached). So the better our relationships are in terms of providing us with a sense of, I can depend on you the more we are able to move fully into the rest of our lives, face insecurity and take risks.