We may have learned to be needless and wantless (self-sufficient), or that your needs don t matter, or we may have learned to be somewhat needy (a passive requiring of others to do for me what perhaps I could sometimes take care of myself learned helplessness). These ways of being limit the capacity for intimate and safe connection within relationship. But these feelings are all normal because in all likelihood, this is the most shocking and confounding crisis they have ever experienced. After all, they thought they knew their partner and never thought their partner would cheat. The reality of the situation rocks the foundational values they have believed in and based their lives on. We spoke to him about how we had dishonored him, understanding how he, as our addict, had only tried to help us become aware of our needs and encourage us to reach out for nurturing, validation, and support. We acknowledged that in our active addiction that we hadn't ever responded to his call in ways that respected him. Stopping sexual behaviours Admitting there's a problem is the first step to coming out of denial. Once the addiction is admitted, the next step is to stop addictive behaviours. Just as an alcoholic must stop drinking alcohol, a sex addict must stop all sexual acting out behaviours. Sometimes these behaviours are obvious, like no more sex outside of marriage, but sometimes they are subtle, like flirting. Holiness is something God applies to the believer through their relationship with Jesus. But it s also a process as the Christian learns to rely on God in the midst of their own weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9), and experiencing God s grace as we confess our sins to one another (James 5:16, Galatians 6:2). I soon learned that the very person he and his betraying partner turned to for guidance, their couples therapist, had implicated him as the problem partner! Though the therapist promised to help them navigate recovery in the most positive way, he had been labeled too emotionally stuck and sent off to individual therapy with me!