Does being unable to surrender to the process mean you are cruel or hard-hearted? Of course not! It is not your job to surrender or accept blame after your trust was shattered by betrayal. In fact, it s unreasonable for anyone to judge you for being unable to heal or forgive on demand. Your healing process is directly connected to your partner s ability to help you heal not anyone else s timing. Common accountability measures include: Accountability software: Use monitoring software to track his online activity. Financial and technological transparency: Request access to his financial and technological accounts. Full disclosure: Consider guided therapeutic disclosure for complete honesty. Recovery support: Encourage him to seek counseling or join a support group. Process addictions increase dopamine. Dopamine is a naturally occurring and powerful pleasure-seeking chemical in the brain. When activities are used habitually to escape pain, more dopamine is released in the brain. The brain rapidly adjusts to a higher level of dopamine. The user quickly finds themselves on a hamster wheel, seeking more exciting, more dangerous, more erotic or more taboo material to maintain the dopamine rush. Readiness Indicators for Relationship in Recovery Through the process of recovery, addicts begin developing greater self-awareness, deeper empathy and understanding for themselves and others, greater honesty and integrity and a desire to be accountable. They begin healing their intimacy disorder by coming to understand their own worthiness a sense of self-worth and confidence that allows them to risk feeling vulnerable with others, the key to true intimacy and communication. Addicts have to learn how to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy shame. Engaging in shameful behaviour does not mean that an addict is a shameful person, unworthy of love. It means that they have engaged in unhealthy behaviour that can be forgiven. 1 Laaser, Mark R. Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, 1992, p.150. In fact, attachment researchers talk about the paradox of attachment saying, The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become, (Attached). So the better our relationships are in terms of providing us with a sense of, I can depend on you the more we are able to move fully into the rest of our lives, face insecurity and take risks.