And pornography use can also complicate one s ability to become aroused. The degrading and other unrealistic themes depicted in pornography create highly distorted expectations of what should occur within the context of real-life sexual relationships, thus rendering the addict incapable of arousal in those situations. This profound and sudden change in our sense of security and connection sends our bodies into panic and lights up the fear center in our brain like a giant Christmas tree. When our fear center goes into overdrive our ability to think and reason diminishes quickly and our ability to function takes a nose dive. You could say, I need you to stop acting like a teenager and take me home or you could say, I m noticing I m tired and I have a need for sweatpants (or to be home, comfort, rest stage two). Your spouse hears you, considers your request and is aware that they have a need to stay a while longer as this is their work event and it s expected that they remain. Is willing to be forthright about STI history and willing to speak openly about a potential partner s STI history before sex Desires a relationship not out of need or desperation, but as a reasoned decision to add value to his or her life As the SLAA 12 Promises state: Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. Stopping fantasy Sexual fantasy is at the heart of sexual addiction and alone is enough to trigger sexual stimulation. Fantasy has a powerful grip on the mind, which does not respond to commands to "stop." The more effort made to stop fantasizing, the stronger the fantasy gets. So how does a sex addict stop fantasizing? I stopped and asked why they were abusing this ugly, but harmless, dragon. One patient replied, "He's green and ugly and reminds me of my addiction. I'm kicking him around because that is how I feel about my addiction. I hate it and want to kill it off, that is why I am here." As the other addicts nodded their heads, something in their attitude struck me as wrong.