Your partner needs you to fully participate. Understand That Forgiveness Is Not A Thing You Give To Each Other When the offender demonstrates that he understands and is sincerely disturbed by the harm he has caused you, and when he works to make repairs, you [the hurt partner] may be more motivated to release your resentment and invite him back into your life. Accountability is not about policing but about fostering openness and honesty. Common accountability measures include: Accountability software: Use monitoring software to track his online activity. Financial and technological transparency: Request access to his financial and technological accounts. Full disclosure: Consider guided therapeutic disclosure for complete honesty. The relationship we thought was safe now feels painful and threatening. This profound and sudden change in our sense of security and connection sends our bodies into panic and lights up the fear center in our brain like a giant Christmas tree. When our fear center goes into overdrive our ability to think and reason diminishes quickly and our ability to function takes a nose dive. Many, unfortunately, do not realize how powerful these tiny chemicals are and how they affect our lives, behavior, and happiness. At this microscopic level, there s a constant interplay between chemical and electrical interaction. In his insightful book, The Mind and the Brain, Dr. Jeffery Schwartz explains the differences between the mind and the brain. This allows the betrayal trauma response to calm as you gain the ability to be present with the natural normal distress resulting from the discovery that the addict has betrayed them. Your reactivity decreases and your distress acceptance takes the charge out of the fear equation. The secondary gain is that you begin to apply this constructively compassionate mindset to others as well. If you had asked him how long he d been an invalid I m sure his answer would have been all of my life! Some issues come into our lives, that while discomforting or disruptive, tend to be short-term. An example might be a toothache that doesn t allow you to sleep, concentrate, or even go about your normal routine.