Our therapist once mentioned the idea that it is better to be 100% honest and have integrity even if it means risking the shame and possibility of losing your comfort zone. By lying to your spouse or family members, you can only ever have the mediocre happiness that comes with living an inauthentic life. Instead of security we experience fear. Because our partner has caused us such deep pain, they now feel like a threat to our well-being rather than a source of comfort and rest. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples says that betrayal traumas, overwhelm coping capacities and define the relationship, as a source of danger rather than a safe haven in times of stress. As a sex addict learns that others have gone down the same road and have begun to heal, despair ebbs away and hope returns. 5. Healing shame There is healthy shame and unhealthy shame. Healthy shame occurs when I have done something wrong, like lying, and I feel shame about it. My feeling of shame tells me I have sinned and that I need to deal with it through confession and repentance. Hebrews 12:14 instructs Christians to pursue holiness because, without it no one will see the Lord. So let s see what this means, and why it s vital for the Christian struggling with porn. 1. Holiness Means Being Set Apart In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for holy is, qadowsh, which means to be set apart. These ways of being limit the capacity for intimate and safe connection within relationship. When we were infants, we were current and congruent with our physical and emotional needs and were able - in present time - to express those needs to our caregivers. How those expressions of need were responded to set the foundation of our attachment style. You must also gather an extensive social history with relevant collateral contacts. Remember, the addict s point of view is not the only one; family members, friends and other treating professionals may have relevant data to offer. Examining the addict s personal motivation for change, patterns of acting out, trauma history and other addictive manifestations are other crucial areas of exploration.