At the time I did not understand the science and theory behind the way that we pair-bond and what happens when that attachment is damaged. I only knew that discovering sexual betrayal in my relationship changed me overnight. Every betrayed partner is dealt two blows at once when they discover their spouse s sexual behavior. The additional emotional burden results in further confusion and harm. Both are unnecessary and further delay the betrayal trauma recovery the couple needs. So, what does a hurting partner really need in order to heal? First, they need some clarity about the process as a whole. Betrayal Trauma Recovery For The Hurt Partner: Does It Help To Seek Help Separately? Regular discussions with your husband and a counselor are encouraged to ensure the boundaries remain effective. The main goals of boundaries are not to turn into your spouse s parole officer or to seek revenge. Instead, they serve to: Rebuild trust. Provide space for your healing. Offer concrete goals and standards for his recovery. Putting in the Work in Sex Addiction Recovery The process of recovery for sex addicts involves identifying those behaviors such as obsessive masturbation, pornography use, anonymous sex, exhibitionism, etc. that take you out of yourself and away from those around you, acknowledging the behaviors as a problem and finding sobriety by eliminating those behaviors before they show up. Masturbation almost always includes fantasy and for true sex addicts such fantasy can amplify into a downward spiral of obsession, objectification and eventually full-fledged compulsion. This is especially true when pornography is included as part of a masturbation ritual. From this perspective masturbation may need to be considered off-limits for many sex addicts. When you learn this, you will not only survive, but thrive because of the self-growth that has occurred because of your trauma. Darrin Ford explains in his Isomorphic Path to Intimacy that to gain intimacy as a couple it needs to begin with self-intimacy, and furthermore, partners need to practice distress tolerance and be present with the uncomfortable emotionality that is an inevitable outcome of a partner s natural state manifesting from the betrayal.