The needs were really about safety, support, confidence in our work, movement/change, etc. and we stay aware of what that real need is. Step 3: Third, we understand that our partner is not obligated to meet our need. There is freedom too, but not a requirement too. Yet, because hopefully we have established a baseline foundation in our relationship that each of our needs matter, our spouse or partner can choose to hear our need, and then check their own resources within themselves to see if they could meet that need. I (Debbie) work with wives and partners of men who struggle with being relationally faithful. Behaviors include masturbation, fantasizing, pornography, flirting, prostitution, massage parlors, sexual affairs, emotional affairs & other acts of infidelity. The lies and deception used by husbands to keep these behaviors hidden can create many emotional and physical symptoms for their wives. This alarm is saying that he is in some kind of need and should reach out. Recovering sex addicts should see their addiction as a part of themselves that they should value, not disparage. If they respond to their addictive longings by calling someone in recovery, going to a meeting, etc., then the call of the addict has served its purpose and deserves appreciation. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of the recovery process, sobriety has to be dealt with hour-by-hour. The Spouse s Road to Recovery Upon discovering the addiction, the spouses of sex addicts find themselves mentally and emotionally shattered. Some counselors would say that spouses are codependent at this point, a term that is defined as: A psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin). Your remorse and commitment to actively restore love and trust in your relationship will propel you both forward as a unit. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Process is for Healing, Not Fixing If you are the hurt partner: Please understand that therapy is not about the business of fixing you. This is not the goal of therapy. You develop an improved sense of confidence that allows you to attune to the reality that the addict s behaviors affect you but are in no way, shape, or form because of you. The addict acted out because he is an addict. He did not act out because you were not good enough or not worthy of his love. You could not cause his acting out.