Step 2: Second, we learn to articulate our need in a hearable way. There are two parts to communication: 1) saying it in a hearable way, and 2) being in a posture to receive. We are only in charge of one part of that equation - so to keep it clear and hearable there are some phrases to listen for in our conversation: I need to is really a should in disguise and I need you . It is a state where the physical-chemical brain demands or compels one towards a specific behavior regardless of what the mind or conscience says. There appears to be something inherent in the human family that feels it is wrong to view the private sexual acts of others. In other words, the mind, the electrically intelligent part of us, cannot feel good about participating. Trusting your husband again should not be forced but should come naturally as he follows the boundaries set during the recovery process. Trust rebuilding takes time and should be based on his behaviors and commitment to change. Setting boundaries is a starting point, and as your marriage progresses and trust is rebuilt, these boundaries can evolve. Remember to identify one of these five feelings: anger, sadness, loneliness, happiness or fear. I can see as you look at the pictures from the Memorial Day family picnic that you feel sadness because now you question the reality of what really happened on that day. It feels like I contaminated the joyful event. Reflection and reconstruction Betrayal trauma causes a fracture in the foundation of a relationship and the foundation of the self. The secrets, lies, gaslighting and deception throughout the relationship are a silent cancer that consumes the infrastructure. The most devastating aspect of discovery is that the entire system that holds the relationship together begins to collapse into itself. They should see the desire to act out as an emotional alarm going off. This alarm is saying that he is in some kind of need and should reach out. Recovering sex addicts should see their addiction as a part of themselves that they should value, not disparage. If they respond to their addictive longings by calling someone in recovery, going to a meeting, etc.