For still others the definition of what constitutes sexual sobriety may be defined by whether or not a person is engaging in certain behaviors or activities. So sobriety may look different for different people. A core concept from 12-step recovery programs is that there is a profound difference between true sobriety and mere abstinence. For example, someone with a traumatic background may develop extreme anxiety as an adult. When this anxiety is triggered, the affected person may resort to sexual behavior to decrease the discomfort they are experiencing. When anxiety and trauma are severe enough, the sexual behavior can become all-consuming. When you learn this, you will not only survive, but thrive because of the self-growth that has occurred because of your trauma. Darrin Ford explains in his Isomorphic Path to Intimacy that to gain intimacy as a couple it needs to begin with self-intimacy, and furthermore, partners need to practice distress tolerance and be present with the uncomfortable emotionality that is an inevitable outcome of a partner s natural state manifesting from the betrayal. Healing despair Most sex addicts feel they are beyond redemption, that their sexual behaviour is so appalling that forgiveness is impossible. Self hatred leads to despair and sometimes even to suicide. The journey to despair occurs in isolation, but recovery from despair takes place in a safe and loving community. The addict is vigorously chasing this elevated mood, but the behavior of engaging in the addiction is often followed by intense feelings of guilt and shame. In my work with sex offenders, I often used the term transitory guilt, which is a short-lived guilt that is very intense in nature and not manageable to carry around in one s mind, to describe the offensive cycle of behavior. Her response will determine whether she grows emotionally and spiritually, or whether she emotionally stagnates. She can either learn and grow, or she can stay mired in anger, betrayal, and distrust. It is crucial for the spouse to seek two things immediately upon disclosure. Firstly, counseling with a therapist who is familiar with treating the effects of this kind of trauma.