Eckhart Tolle described the dark night of the soul as a collapse of the perceived meaning that the individual gave to their life. The discovery of infidelity, deception and trickery causes a shattering of all that defined the betrayed partner s life. Their accomplishments, activities and everything they considered important feels like they have been invalidated. If he refuses help, you must follow through with consequences when boundaries are crossed. Boundaries are essential in healing a marriage affected by pornography use. Boundaries create a framework for both partners to take responsibility for their healing, rebuild trust, and foster a healthier relationship. Sexual acting out strengthens despair, leading an addict into greater isolation and shame. It seems counterintuitive and yet it is a spiritual truth. This is why support groups for sex addicts are vital. As a sex addict learns that others have gone down the same road and have begun to heal, despair ebbs away and hope returns. On the other hand, holiness does involve the things we do. It s hard work, all the dying to self and living to righteousness. Some Christians have used the expression the already and the not yet to describe this tension in the life of the Christian. We are already made holy by the finished work of Jesus on the cross. A pornography addict, for example, might upgrade to impersonal sexual encounters, and then impersonal sexual encounters may lead to illegal sexual acts, such as voyeurism and exhibitionism. The addict s objective is to continually seek gratification when the usual sources have lost their luster, so to speak. You are now blamed and directed away from the person you want to get closer to. In the meantime, your partner is absolved of their part in the process. No trust is built in your marriage or your therapist. How do you make any progress as a couple, if you all believe that you re the unforgiving, unloving problem partner too stuck to move on?