I would like to tell you that this process could take three months, but unfortunately it will be 12 to 24 months before this becomes organic. So please be patient with him and try to refrain from rejecting him for his empathy statements. You can make this process smoother if you acknowledge his attempts no matter how scripted or feeble. Often, because of mistaken understandings within our family of origin about needs and how to navigate needs within relationship, we have developed a way of being along a continuum. We may have learned to be needless and wantless (self-sufficient), or that your needs don t matter, or we may have learned to be somewhat needy (a passive requiring of others to do for me what perhaps I could sometimes take care of myself learned helplessness). It was the therapist that indicated his inability to surrender and heal was holding back recovery. Was this a special case? Sadly no, too often, many betrayed spouses receive this message. The additional emotional burden results in further confusion and harm. Both are unnecessary and further delay the betrayal trauma recovery the couple needs. They grieve what was lost and learn to let go of anger. Letting go creates space to build inner strength and accept love back into their hearts. Forgiveness Healing of the mind, heart and soul can happen regardless of the magnitude of the deception. But in the absence of a healing/recovery process, the betrayed partner s anger intensifies and can cause them to be further traumatized by sifting through emails, texts and conversations, asking for every minute detail of the affair. Focus on rebuilding emotional connection and romantic gestures, such as buying flowers or helping with chores. Sexual abstinence should not be seen as a punishment but as an opportunity to refocus on the emotional aspects of your relationship. Rebuilding intimacy can also be facilitated through daily check-ins using the FANOS model, which covers feelings, affirmation, needs, owning actions, sobriety, and spiritual growth. Is willing to be forthright about STI history and willing to speak openly about a potential partner s STI history before sex Desires a relationship not out of need or desperation, but as a reasoned decision to add value to his or her life As the SLAA 12 Promises state: Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.