It is not your job to surrender or accept blame after your trust was shattered by betrayal. In fact, it s unreasonable for anyone to judge you for being unable to heal or forgive on demand. Your healing process is directly connected to your partner s ability to help you heal not anyone else s timing. This lack of congruency around sexual addiction demonstrates the barriers that counselors and the public often face when trying to conceptualize sexual addiction. What are the signs? Looking at the behavioral manifestation and realizing how the behavior shows up is one important aspect when determining if someone is struggling with a sexual addiction. In this way our adult relationships mirror our relationship with our parents as children; both, when functioning well, provide us with a secure base from which we can enter our worlds with confidence. Breaking Bad If it is true that when we attach to someone healthy and functional, it feels good and provides a sense of security, grounding, safety and wholeness, then the opposite is also true. Healing despair Most sex addicts feel they are beyond redemption, that their sexual behaviour is so appalling that forgiveness is impossible. Self hatred leads to despair and sometimes even to suicide. The journey to despair occurs in isolation, but recovery from despair takes place in a safe and loving community. In other words, the mind, the electrically intelligent part of us, cannot feel good about participating. I make this claim after listening to hundreds of addiction treatment stories of clients who have viewed pornography. Negative results are always the same. I have never had a client come in and tell me they had a slip during the past week and felt good about it. The brain depends on a higher level of dopamine to regulate the central nervous system. It quickly becomes the only way to reduce stressors; the person struggling with addiction ends up doing and saying things they will soon regret but cannot seem to stop on their own. Carnes aptly refers to this as the hijacked brain.