The developing stage. This first stage can take up to two years. During this time, problems caused by the sex addiction grow. The patient begins to realize that she has a problem and may even reach out for help, but can t commit. She might start therapy or go to group sessions, but drop out. The crisis stage. We want all of these circumstances we find ourselves in to go away. But just as with the paralytic in the story, we still have to address the inner problem and condition to get healed. Getting to the HEART of the Issue It is no coincidence that the initial phase of our mentoring program and the first 3 steps of a 12-step program are surrender. The factors that lead to one outcome or the other are as varied as the people involved. Factors that add to the chances of rebuilding the marriage include: Establishing a higher level and new kind of communication; Acceptance by the addict that he broke the covenant of marriage and must be willing to accept responsibility; The addict must work to rebuild his wife s trust in him. Rebuilding Trust in Marriage Through Boundaries In situations where a marriage has been affected by pornography use, it s common for one person to feel responsible for the healing process, while the other doesn t take enough responsibility. This dynamic can lead to resentment, self-centeredness, and controlling behaviors. It assures her that you have not forgotten, nor are you in denial. It makes sense to me that looking at our Memorial Day picnic pictures causes you great pain Validation of Her Feelings Using the Five Primary Feelings It can be difficult to ascertain how she is feeling, so it is helpful to focus on her primary feeling (and see if you got it right). Your reactivity decreases and your distress acceptance takes the charge out of the fear equation. The secondary gain is that you begin to apply this constructively compassionate mindset to others as well. The Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model incorporates these skills to help you to become less reactive to your environment and the reality of the betrayal.