Remember to identify one of these five feelings: anger, sadness, loneliness, happiness or fear. I can see as you look at the pictures from the Memorial Day family picnic that you feel sadness because now you question the reality of what really happened on that day. It feels like I contaminated the joyful event. " As the other addicts nodded their heads, something in their attitude struck me as wrong. I realized then that it is impossible to "kill off" the addiction, and that hating and controlling the addict part of themselves could only lead back to shame and problems. That afternoon, I sat down with the guys and we had a group treatment experience. The mind, or spirit, is the electrical intelligence in this physical-chemical body and brain. Addiction occurs when the physical brain has taken control of the mind. The mind is the intelligent part of us that gets frustrated at losing control. It is in the sense that the conscience exists. This is the part that generates feelings of right or wrong. We may have learned to be needless and wantless (self-sufficient), or that your needs don t matter, or we may have learned to be somewhat needy (a passive requiring of others to do for me what perhaps I could sometimes take care of myself learned helplessness). These ways of being limit the capacity for intimate and safe connection within relationship. You could not cause his acting out. A secondary gain of mindfulness is that over time, you can learn to be present with the uncertainty, which is a normal response that is manifested out of betrayal trauma in a manner that was not reactive driven. When you learn this, you will not only survive, but thrive because of the self-growth that has occurred because of your trauma. Carnes second book, Don t Call It Love, is aptly titled. Acting out is not about love or sex; instead, acting out numbs the overwhelming agony of being loved by a real-life partner. The root of addiction and the brain science At the root of addiction is trauma. Trauma is the problem, and for some, sexual acting out is the solution until the solution fails.