When our fear center goes into overdrive our ability to think and reason diminishes quickly and our ability to function takes a nose dive. This is the trauma part of betrayal trauma. It is the enormous fear and panic response that our bodies are plunged into when our bond with our partner is threatened or severed. What must be done when partners are unable to move past the emotional pain. Why are these points important? Because so many betrayed partners are wounded and longing for relief without proper care, validation, or support. In fact, some time ago, I was inspired to write about this because a suffering spouse reached out to me. We are only in charge of one part of that equation - so to keep it clear and hearable there are some phrases to listen for in our conversation: I need to is really a should in disguise and I need you . indicates we still have to dig one more level down to discover what our need is. Neither of those first phrases point to our actual need. God is actually the one working in the background of your life, slowly and gradually bringing about a change to make you more like Him. 6. Holiness Means Living in Two Worlds You may have noticed a tension in what I ve been saying so far. On one hand, holiness is something that God does for a Christian. Taking a break from all sexual activity provides an opportunity to get back in touch with your true self. If you manage a period of sexual abstinence correctly you will learn some important lessons about yourself that will help you for the rest of your life, especially if you combine it with other constructive actions. You cannot possibly know the intensity of her feelings, but when you are able to look at what she is struggling with through her eyes, you are better able to assess what she needs. To the Partner: I recognize that the AVR formula will sound scripted and rote. I promise you he does not know how to empathize, so he must learn the skills before it becomes natural to him.