He felt like he was spiraling out of control and absolutely could not stop compulsively (and secretly) viewing pornography. He started therapy and support meetings, but the addiction still felt heavy and impossible. He admitted that this problem started as a young teenager with no restrictions to television or the internet. On one hand, holiness is something that God does for a Christian. It s an objective reality because of Jesus s work on the cross, and it doesn t depend on how we feel or what we do. That s incredible. On the other hand, holiness does involve the things we do. It s hard work, all the dying to self and living to righteousness. Addicts have to learn how to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy shame. Engaging in shameful behaviour does not mean that an addict is a shameful person, unworthy of love. It means that they have engaged in unhealthy behaviour that can be forgiven. 1 Laaser, Mark R. Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, 1992, p.150. Is willing to be forthright about STI history and willing to speak openly about a potential partner s STI history before sex Desires a relationship not out of need or desperation, but as a reasoned decision to add value to his or her life As the SLAA 12 Promises state: Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. Putting It Together Let s walk it through with an example: Let s say you are at your spouse s work event on a Friday evening. As the evening moves on, you become aware that your spouse is going to want to stay for a while longer. You might begin to feel frustrated, irritated, annoyed and begin thinking about how ridiculous this is, they always do this, does he/she think we are teenagers, what s wrong with them etc. And although all of these descriptions could be part of a sex addict s profile, focusing on stereotypes is an antiquated and closed-minded way of thinking, especially when it comes to understanding sexual addiction. I treated sex offenders on an outpatient basis for 26 years. If I learned one thing, it was the fact that these individuals came in all shapes, sizes, colors, genders and socioeconomic backgrounds.