And the problem is no different with looking for information there is always the possibility that something was hidden too well. Volunteering information is a process of owning one s faults and sinful behaviors. It allows for brokenness and repentance. It also begins the long journey of trust-building. It's obvious that for substance abuse sobriety means completely stopping the use of alcohol or drugs, but it's a little more complicated for a sex addict. While it's true that usually some sexual behavior has to cease completely, the ultimate goal for most people is not to go without sex for the rest of their lives. Was I the only one longing to share my life with you? What makes you think you can take a stripper and her child to Disneyland, tell me and then expect me to stand for it? How could you use my faith and religion against me by saying, Aren t you supposed to forgive? Judge not lest you be judged, and, most offensive, I think you were put on this earth to save me. Our addict, who longed for acknowledgement and help, had been angry about being ignored and shut out, and had found sex as a means for attention and validation. We each took this opportunity to say, "Thanks for helping us survive, we see you, we will listen now, we will take care of you. We can work together without shame. Together with co-author, Marsha Means, MA, Steffens wrote a remarkable book on sex addiction and PTSD as it relates to her research. Readers reviews3 of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse2 indicate that the book offers the spouse an understanding of her trauma, supports her needs, validates her long-term suspicions, and serves as an important pillar of her healing journey. But just as with the paralytic in the story, we still have to address the inner problem and condition to get healed. Getting to the HEART of the Issue It is no coincidence that the initial phase of our mentoring program and the first 3 steps of a 12-step program are surrender. When I first began a journey toward recovery I intellectually understood the concept and need for surrender but found it difficult to get to the heart of true surrender.