Trusting a different therapist with the details of your relationship is no small thing. It takes a lot to offer trust and to earn it. Doing so after betrayal. Is a monumental feat. You don t need a therapist to make further demands! Your partner s struggles should not be depicted as unreasonable problems. When you do this, you decrease reactivity and begin to trust yourself again so that you can appreciate who you are and your own intuition. You develop an improved sense of confidence that allows you to attune to the reality that the addict s behaviors affect you but are in no way, shape, or form because of you. We can work together without shame." Replacing Shame The work done that day underscores the importance of relieving the burden of shame from the recovering sex addict. No matter how hurtful the past has been or how strong the current desire to act is, the addict needs to understand that their behavior came from an attempt to cope with unmanageable circumstances. When that special someone that we have bonded with betrays us it messes us up because all of a sudden the person who is our secure base in the world has caused us untold pain and robbed us of our sense of safety. The relationship we thought was safe now feels painful and threatening. This profound and sudden change in our sense of security and connection sends our bodies into panic and lights up the fear center in our brain like a giant Christmas tree. It seems counterintuitive and yet it is a spiritual truth. This is why support groups for sex addicts are vital. As a sex addict learns that others have gone down the same road and have begun to heal, despair ebbs away and hope returns. 5. Healing shame There is healthy shame and unhealthy shame. Healthy shame occurs when I have done something wrong, like lying, and I feel shame about it. People often avoid even discussing sex and sexual problems, but this same approach should not be used when clinically treating problems in sexual behavior. I have mistakenly referred past sex addict clients to support groups in which they were shamed for having sexual thoughts and masturbating. This triggered relapse behavior and a general clinical regression.