Instead of security we experience fear. Because our partner has caused us such deep pain, they now feel like a threat to our well-being rather than a source of comfort and rest. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples says that betrayal traumas, overwhelm coping capacities and define the relationship, as a source of danger rather than a safe haven in times of stress. The same holds true for wives whose pain and anger lead to a permanent loss of trust. The factors that lead to one outcome or the other are as varied as the people involved. Factors that add to the chances of rebuilding the marriage include: Establishing a higher level and new kind of communication; Acceptance by the addict that he broke the covenant of marriage and must be willing to accept responsibility; The addict must work to rebuild his wife s trust in him. To the Partner: I recognize that the AVR formula will sound scripted and rote. I promise you he does not know how to empathize, so he must learn the skills before it becomes natural to him. I would like to tell you that this process could take three months, but unfortunately it will be 12 to 24 months before this becomes organic. Remember, the addict s point of view is not the only one; family members, friends and other treating professionals may have relevant data to offer. Examining the addict s personal motivation for change, patterns of acting out, trauma history and other addictive manifestations are other crucial areas of exploration. For example, someone with a traumatic background may develop extreme anxiety as an adult. When this anxiety is triggered, the affected person may resort to sexual behavior to decrease the discomfort they are experiencing. When anxiety and trauma are severe enough, the sexual behavior can become all-consuming. Sex Addiction Understanding the mind and brain helps with the healing process. Viewing pornography leaves feelings of frustration, irritation, depression, anxiety, emptiness, and debilitating shame. These feelings directly result from chemical disruptions in the brain that are unnatural and unsustainable for any healthy or satisfying life.