For an hour, we did gestalt work talking to that poor, ugly stuffed dragon. We spoke to him about how we had dishonored him, understanding how he, as our addict, had only tried to help us become aware of our needs and encourage us to reach out for nurturing, validation, and support. We acknowledged that in our active addiction that we hadn't ever responded to his call in ways that respected him. The patient begins to realize that she has a problem and may even reach out for help, but can t commit. She might start therapy or go to group sessions, but drop out. The crisis stage. During this brief stage, one to three months long, the addict s problems reach a crisis level. She makes a firm commitment to change after experiencing a crisis moment. The couples we counsel are forewarned that recovery is not pretty. There is no expectation that they will navigate it in the most positive way possible. Pretending to be positive only makes matters untrustworthy and messier for longer. B: Advice Regarding Surrender Or Getting Over Hurt On Your Own Any therapist s expectation that a hurt, betrayed partner would get over it and make recovery less messy is not helpful. The traumatized partner s mind is on a perpetual search to find more certainty, which can lead to more suffering, and yet it is the survival skill attempting to keep the partner safe. A partner s attempts to find safety can exacerbate her fears because her primary need is to feel safe and survive. This can create more suffering because she is in that hypervigilant state to know the truth. Addicts need to identify their personal rituals so that they can intercept the addictive cycle before they act out. Rituals could include things like fantasizing about having sex with a co-worker, imagining what your neighbour looks like without clothes on, arranging your schedule for some alone time with your computer so you can log in to porn sites uninterrupted. If your safety is at risk, you should not tolerate physical or sexual violence and should seek help from appropriate authorities. Common physical boundaries include: Exiting volatile situations: Remove yourself when conflicts become heated. Physical separation: Request personal space and time away to think and heal.