Healing despair Most sex addicts feel they are beyond redemption, that their sexual behaviour is so appalling that forgiveness is impossible. Self hatred leads to despair and sometimes even to suicide. The journey to despair occurs in isolation, but recovery from despair takes place in a safe and loving community. For example, a husband might blame his porn use on his wife s physical appearance or lower desire for sex, and a wife might start micromanaging and punishing every mistake. Both of these attitudes are unhealthy for the relationship. To avoid or correct this issue in your own marriage, establishing boundaries is crucial. During our individual therapy session, he shared something surprising and concerning. He told me he was having trouble surrendering to the healing process . As a relationship expert, I had two immediate questions: Who gave him the idea that he needed to surrender to anything? Why did he think was doing it wrong? Consider the following checklist: Is in active, engaged recovery and maintains a support group of friends, recovery partner(s) and sponsor Has grown more aware of his or her feelings and is able and willing to talk about them to others Has learned how to reach out to others when difficult feelings or cravings emerge, or when issues arise in close relationships Has acknowledged any co-occurring or crossover addictions and is working on them in recovery Has acknowledged any co-occurring mental illnesses that may be present and has sought help. Not only does television media inundate viewers with a sex sells approach to advertising, but the internet provides a wide array of sexual options at one s fingertips. These factors certainly present added layers in the creation of a solid and effective recovery/treatment plan. What does treatment look like? Many, unfortunately, do not realize how powerful these tiny chemicals are and how they affect our lives, behavior, and happiness. At this microscopic level, there s a constant interplay between chemical and electrical interaction. In his insightful book, The Mind and the Brain, Dr. Jeffery Schwartz explains the differences between the mind and the brain.