She feels angry and hopeless but ultimately relieved that she has finally admitted to having an addiction to sexual behaviors. The grief stage. In another six-month period, the sex addict goes through a type of grief. She feels terrible about the damage she has caused to herself and to others. She also grieves the loss of her addiction because she used it like a crutch for a long period of time. This can include developing a sense of unworthiness (which can cause guilt and shame in sexual experiences), extreme risk-taking with the goal of achieving fleeting pleasure and re-creation of the traumatic experience, also called trauma reenactment. For example, someone with a traumatic background may develop extreme anxiety as an adult. Darrin Ford explains in his Isomorphic Path to Intimacy that to gain intimacy as a couple it needs to begin with self-intimacy, and furthermore, partners need to practice distress tolerance and be present with the uncomfortable emotionality that is an inevitable outcome of a partner s natural state manifesting from the betrayal. As you read the email I received below, ask yourself the following question: Is this individual seeking pornography as a mere form of healthy entertainment, or is he driven and compelled to have it? This email, below, comes from a highly respected man in his community who loves his family and is committed to providing for and caring for them. As the first step in the mentoring process, both struggler and survivor are challenged with the same question: Do you want to get well? This is a personal question. To the one struggling, it relates to their addiction and behaviors. The survivor tends to focus on wanting their spouse s addiction and behavior cured but realizes that is out of their control. In this way our adult relationships mirror our relationship with our parents as children; both, when functioning well, provide us with a secure base from which we can enter our worlds with confidence. Breaking Bad If it is true that when we attach to someone healthy and functional, it feels good and provides a sense of security, grounding, safety and wholeness, then the opposite is also true.