I have developed a formula that helps them to remember to do a read on the partners feelings and see things from her perspective. The formula is easy to follow because it only has 3 steps to follow. AVR-The Empathy Formula Practicing the A in AVR requires that you acknowledge the situation and accompanying pain. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment says, Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing and the levels of hormones in our blood. As our bond grows through perhaps getting married, combining our homes, having children together, or working toward common goals, we become more and more interdependent with one another. I realized then that it is impossible to "kill off" the addiction, and that hating and controlling the addict part of themselves could only lead back to shame and problems. That afternoon, I sat down with the guys and we had a group treatment experience. For an hour, we did gestalt work talking to that poor, ugly stuffed dragon. Before Covenant Eyes, he had started watching pornography at work multiple times each day. His boss was asking him why he spent so much time on his phone in the bathroom, and there was simply no excuse for his lack of productivity. He admits he knew in his heart that things would not end well for him if he continued down that path at work. Holiness Means Living in Two Worlds You may have noticed a tension in what I ve been saying so far. On one hand, holiness is something that God does for a Christian. It s an objective reality because of Jesus s work on the cross, and it doesn t depend on how we feel or what we do. That s incredible. On the other hand, holiness does involve the things we do. Your healing process is directly connected to your partner s ability to help you heal not anyone else s timing. Remember: Your betraying partner should be there for you. Surrendering to them or a process is not a thing. This is not war. Your betraying partner should make sure you are supported into trusting them.