Step 4: Fourth, because we are now wise adults, we retain ownership of our need. It is after all our need. We are not helpless. If our partner s attempt to meet our need is not able to satisfy that need, we get active in our hoop to get that need met in a way that honors our need and is congruent with our vision for who we want to be. Darrin Ford explains in his Isomorphic Path to Intimacy that to gain intimacy as a couple it needs to begin with self-intimacy, and furthermore, partners need to practice distress tolerance and be present with the uncomfortable emotionality that is an inevitable outcome of a partner s natural state manifesting from the betrayal. Not only does abuse of pornography lead to a loss of interest in sex, it can make men unable to perform sexually and create a mindset where even the idea of sex exists in a different realm than reality. During the process, the viewer becomes addicted to pornography online, then needs more and more of the material to get the same effect; but their response to the images is reduced, until they cannot become aroused any longer. If, however, you didn t attend a treatment program for sexual addiction and are starting your quest for healing mostly on your own, a relapse plan is something that you should prepare. What is a relapse plan? It isn t a plan so that you can go and indulge in sexually addictive behavior. A relapse plan is what actions or steps you will take when you feel those incessant and impossible urges that could cause you to slip. I personally believe that a clinician treating someone with a sexual addiction should have some level of clinical experience in this area. Counselors should not venture into this arena because they think it is interesting or they want to learn along with the client. This could be significantly more harmful than helpful and could lead the client and all those associated with the client down the wrong path. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Process is for Healing, Not Fixing If you are the hurt partner: Please understand that therapy is not about the business of fixing you. This is not the goal of therapy. There is nothing wrong with you. Your broken heart is not an indication that you are broken. You re hurt, there s a difference.