We may have learned to be needless and wantless (self-sufficient), or that your needs don t matter, or we may have learned to be somewhat needy (a passive requiring of others to do for me what perhaps I could sometimes take care of myself learned helplessness). These ways of being limit the capacity for intimate and safe connection within relationship. " The more effort made to stop fantasizing, the stronger the fantasy gets. So how does a sex addict stop fantasizing? First, by understanding that the fantasies are created for a reason: they provide emotional escape and reduce stress. If an addict is to break free from fantasizing, they must uncover the reasons why they have to "escape. He needs to want what he has lost, or what he is about to lose, more than he wants the emotionally mind-numbing and ultimately life-destroying effects of sex addiction. Some addicts hit bottom soon after the addiction cycle begins. Others spend years, even decades, caught in the addiction cycle, engaging in risky and dangerous sexual behaviors before they acknowledge that they need help. This final stage can last two years or more and is the final step in becoming completely healed from sex addiction. It is during this stage that the study found sex addicts truly began to enjoy life again and felt confident in having strong, healthy sexual relationships. The Need for Lasting Change It s only natural to feel a sense of despair when you see how long it can take to heal from sex addiction. Reassurance That You Have Changed, and Your Top Priority Is to Help Her Heal It will be necessary to share how you are changing and what you are working on to focus on your recovery and her healing (You do not want to be cocky or arrogant. Instead, you want to gently remind her that you will work diligently to build back her trust in you). We understood that he was not going away, but would remain in us as a guide and observer. It was our job to listen and respond to him appropriately. Our addict, who longed for acknowledgement and help, had been angry about being ignored and shut out, and had found sex as a means for attention and validation.