We d like more than anything to stop dealing with the circumstances and consequences of this condition the shame, hurt, guilt, deceit, betrayal, and more. But Jesus didn t ask him if he wanted to BE well instead the question was if he wanted to GET well. When Jesus instructs him to stop sinning or something worse may happen, Jesus is telling him that, while the outer circumstances of his condition have been healed, the inner condition is still to be addressed. It makes sense to me that looking at our Memorial Day picnic pictures causes you great pain Validation of Her Feelings Using the Five Primary Feelings It can be difficult to ascertain how she is feeling, so it is helpful to focus on her primary feeling (and see if you got it right). If you were indeed able to figure out the primary feeling, you will be able to validate it later in your day if it comes up. She feels terrible about the damage she has caused to herself and to others. She also grieves the loss of her addiction because she used it like a crutch for a long period of time. Finally, whatever she used her addiction to cover up begins to emerge. This is often some kind of early trauma. The repair stage. We are only in charge of one part of that equation - so to keep it clear and hearable there are some phrases to listen for in our conversation: I need to is really a should in disguise and I need you . indicates we still have to dig one more level down to discover what our need is. Neither of those first phrases point to our actual need. Holiness Means Dying to Sin The Bible uses the metaphor of death to describe a Christian s relationship with sin. This can be difficult to understand. What does it mean to be dead to sin? Among other things, dying to sin means taking practical steps to remove opportunities for temptation. It means confessing your struggles to another person (Hebrews 3:13, James 5:16). In response, they seek affair partners, watch pornography or pay for sex to avoid these real-life connections. Carnes second book, Don t Call It Love, is aptly titled. Acting out is not about love or sex; instead, acting out numbs the overwhelming agony of being loved by a real-life partner. The root of addiction and the brain science At the root of addiction is trauma.