He lives in Hendersonville, North Carolina with his wife Ruby and daughter Winslow. Contact Keith with blog inquiries. Do Christians in the 21st century still need to be holy? If so, what exactly does this mean? Specifically, what does holiness mean in the context of struggles with pornography? I suspect most people have a vague understanding of holiness that it has something to do with God, that it probably means there are some things they should or shouldn t do. I know that as couples seek to heal and transform from the hurts of infidelity, full disclosure is an important part of trust-building. Often a wife learns about unfaithful behaviors through her own accidental discovery or through more intentional detective work. Either might lead her to ask many questions that sometimes her husband may or may not be willing to answer. We may have learned to be needless and wantless (self-sufficient), or that your needs don t matter, or we may have learned to be somewhat needy (a passive requiring of others to do for me what perhaps I could sometimes take care of myself learned helplessness). These ways of being limit the capacity for intimate and safe connection within relationship. This process is similar to what sex addicts experience, but it is even more accelerated because the actual guilt and shame process decreases in duration throughout the life of the addictive behaviors. I m sure many readers are already aware that sexual addiction has a serious impact. I can say without hesitation that it has the potential to be a relationship and life wrecker, and it often does just that. When our fear center goes into overdrive our ability to think and reason diminishes quickly and our ability to function takes a nose dive. This is the trauma part of betrayal trauma. It is the enormous fear and panic response that our bodies are plunged into when our bond with our partner is threatened or severed. You cannot possibly know the intensity of her feelings, but when you are able to look at what she is struggling with through her eyes, you are better able to assess what she needs. To the Partner: I recognize that the AVR formula will sound scripted and rote. I promise you he does not know how to empathize, so he must learn the skills before it becomes natural to him.