Each of us told him that in recovery we were committed to loving and appreciating him. We understood that he was not going away, but would remain in us as a guide and observer. It was our job to listen and respond to him appropriately. Our addict, who longed for acknowledgement and help, had been angry about being ignored and shut out, and had found sex as a means for attention and validation. Why Mindfulness Can Help You Both with Uncertainty By Carol Juergensen Sheets LCSW, CSAT, CCPS-S, PCC You as the addict are working hard to create safety, which is a new truth. The mind is conditioned to create certainty, which is a survival mechanism. The traumatized partner s mind is on a perpetual search to find more certainty, which can lead to more suffering, and yet it is the survival skill attempting to keep the partner safe. This means that each of us can experience real and meaningful forgiveness with each attempt to start over and break our patterns of repetitive sin. When our human transparency and need is met by God s acceptance and mercy, change happens. A Sex Addict Needs to Want to Recover When thinking of the addict and addiction, one should think recover rather than total cure. When our fear center goes into overdrive our ability to think and reason diminishes quickly and our ability to function takes a nose dive. This is the trauma part of betrayal trauma. It is the enormous fear and panic response that our bodies are plunged into when our bond with our partner is threatened or severed. The man at the pool had been in this condition for as long as he can remember. Jesus sees him lying there and asks, Do you want to get well? Then He tells him to Get up! Pick up your mat and walk. At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. But there is a twist to this story of healing! Step 2: Second, we learn to articulate our need in a hearable way. There are two parts to communication: 1) saying it in a hearable way, and 2) being in a posture to receive. We are only in charge of one part of that equation - so to keep it clear and hearable there are some phrases to listen for in our conversation: I need to is really a should in disguise and I need you .